B.I.B.L.E

I don’t know if people actually have a single favourite book. Its impossible. Not with all that creativity floating around and people harnessing it.   Eight years ago, the BabySitter series was the jam ( do people still say that?  No? Ok)I remember Karen and her two families and that colourful blanket ( like the one that drove Joseph’s brothers in so big a jealous fit they sold him off to slavery. Ama  it was a coat?.) she'd torn in two, one for each house. Five years ago, Harry Potter was my favourite book series. Let me tell you I had mastered the spells so well the only thing missing was my wand and a cauldron. HAHA! Expecto Cauldrones!!
Then I grew up into Mills and Boon. The amount of sex, all in detail was so intruiging for thirteen year old me. I used to wonder if the teachers turned a blind eye to these books on purpose. In fact, it used to rain Mills and Boon on the weekends. Let me just tell you the promises of everlasting love and lovemaking in those books were chicken soup for the teenage soul. Around the same time I was goofing off to Greek mythology and the thriller that was RL Stine and his Goosebumps series. Remember those ones you had to choose pages to complete your mission? I used to die gruesomely in those books. One time, I had to either get eaten up by a werewolf or stuff myself dead with chocolate. RL Stine’s head is screwed up.
Then came Sydney Sheldon, John Grisham, James Patterson, Daniel Steel, Alexis Sherman etc. I still love these authors, but my favourite book will have to be the Bible because DAMN. That book is as intriguing as it is fear rendering and messed up. Can we begin with the savagery that is the Old Testament? Remember that time sijui kids laughed at Elisha because he was bald, then he asked for God to punish them? What does God do? He sends freaking bears to eat them up. What?! Then that other time someone was turned into a pillar of salt because he looked back at Sodom and Gomorrah.  I wonder what happened to him after that. Maybe livestock licked him up until he just faded. Or maybe it rained and he dissolved. Or he was harvested by salt harvesters, packaged into a kagunia of the Kensalt of that time and sold off to flavour food.  We will never know. Also that time a sibling, was it Jacob or Esau, traded his birth right for a bowl of bean soup. Then there was David and Goliath. And Samson and Delilah. And David and Jonathan. And Moses, Joshua and their lost bandwagon of Canaanites.  And Abraham who tried to sacrifice his son Isaac. Then just as he almost kills him before God yells “just kidding, there’s a ram in those bushes.” Meanwhile Isaac is just lying there on that twelve stone altar, scared beyond repair, wondering what the hell was wrong with this father. Or the 50 Shades of Grey that is Songs of Solomon. Sometimes I imagine Noah was on that arc after the rains begun, then people are drowning around him, crying out for help. How did he just sit there when it was literally raining terror outside? Then that time the donkey spoke to Balak. If a donkey spoke to me, my soul would literally leave my body.
Then that time in the New Testament when Jesus fed 5k people with 5 loaves of bread and two fish, because he was cool like that. Then after their stomachs were full of his food, they nailed him on a cross. Humans, am I right?
Then the tongues of fire that made the disciples to start speaking in tongues. Haha. That must’ve looked like a scene from the Kenyan political arena. There was a Duale, a Millie Odhiambo, a Sonko, a Jakoyo Midiwo, a Murkomen, a Moses Kuria, a Babu Owino, a Keter, some Rutos and other players. In essence, there were words flying everywhere but no one can comprehend anything.
All in all the Bible is an interesting anthropology. The collection of stories is humorous, shocking, intriguing, inspiring and a whole other load of adjectives. It is captivating. It lights up the darkness. It helps us find ourselves. It is why it is my favourite book.